Jokes

When riding the bus, try not to laugh while listening to voicemails on your cell phone or some weirdo might get as close to you as possible and ask, "You listening to jokes on there?".

Baby Talk

Tonight it was 38 degrees as I waited for the bus.  I was kind of doing a little dance as it pulled up to keep warm and as I entered I saw the bus driver was a  friendly old woman with a warm smile on her face.  “You look cold, honey!” she said in a grandmotherly voice that made me feel like I was nine again.  “I am!” I said in a sickly sweet child-like voice.  “Well sit down and get cozy!” she cooed.  I snuggled into my seat like a child with its blanket.

I was the only person on the bus so far.  Usually we pick up a couple more people before my stop but tonight it was just me and my favorite new bus driver.  She called out my stop, I rang the bell and she says, “Are you going to the Convention Center?”  I tell her yes and she says she will drop me off there so I don’t have to cross the street. “Yay!’ I shout.

“Thank you!”  I say still using baby talk as I exit.  “You’re welcome sweetie,”  she says.

It took me a few seconds after she pulled away to realize what a tool I had been.  It was like I was under that Grandma’s spell!  But it was my favorite bus ride in a long time.

I'm no help.

Today a drunk, homeless man sat in the seat behind an old man.  He repeatedly leaned over to him and muttered, "How old are you?  You 80?  You 80 yet?  How old are you?" to which he got no reply.  I was watching him a second too long because we made eye contact. His eyes narrowed and he glared at me and repeated, "You're no help...you're no fucking help..." until he exited the bus at the next stop.

The Puker

Last night I was standing at Third and Pine waiting for the bus when I turned and saw a man standing next to me waiting to cross the street.  He was standing completely erect and tall when out of nowhere, big chunks of puke fell out of his mouth and down to the concrete.  "Oh God!" I heard myself say as he stumbled down the street and into the night.

TMI

This blog has really gotten people to open up to me about their own bus experiences, but so far the most disturbing story came from my friend John Scharnberg, who  last night informed me of the reason he will never ride the bus again.  Apparently, he would ride the bus to school when he was 8 years old.  The same woman (who he described as "special, in the retarded way") would ride the bus with him every day, and each day she would tell him how good he looked.  Until one day, she got off the bus at the same stop as him,  put her tongue in his mouth and "wiggled it around".  There was more to the story, but at this point I was totally grossed out and walked away.  Also, he was taking a really long time to tell it.

Seattle Metro Citizen's Watch

Another update from my friend Lindsey: the men on her morning bus route that make her stand at 8 months pregnant did not offer their seats to a blind man on the bus yesterday.  This is an outrage!  I don't know what's happening on that #15, but I think it's time for some sort of Citizen's Patrol.  I will go under, deep under cover and crack this thing wide open, hopefully backed by a group I want to start called the SMCW (Seattle Metro Citizen's Watch).  They will wear intimidating outfits and keep peace and order on the bus.

But honestly, I probably won't get around to that anytime soon,  so  please be courteous to handicapped people, pregnant women and of course the sometimes acrimonious, but always seat-worthy elderly.

Also, if you think you are fooling anyone by pretending you are deeply enthralled in what you are doing on your cell phone and don't notice these people needing seats, think again.  I hope next time you don't move for a blind man he knocks your phone out of your hands with his cane and breaks it.

Real Stories of Metro Drivers

6/19/06 4:50 p.m. #358:

Upon reaching the stop, passenger was paying fare. I said, "Thanks, have a good one." Passenger became very angry, yelling, "What the fuck are you telling me to 'have a good one' for? You don't even know me, motherfucker!" I turned away and ignored abuse to avoid escalating the situation. Passenger said, "I'll kick your ass if you say shit to me" as he exited the bus.

2/7/07 1:40 p.m. #48:

Pulled into zone at 15 & 85 NW. A man put the bike rack down, climbed on, held on to windshield wiper, screaming, "Let's go bitch." Then he tried to crawl through driver window, grabbing my arm. He then got back on bike rack insisting on riding there. I called for help.

 

10/7/06 4:47 p.m. #140:

Began growling as he entered bus at [Burien Transit Center] and deposited large handful of leaves. Continued growling and tearing up schedules (one by one) in rear of bus.

2/18/07 11:28 a.m. #120:

One male got on and put a quarter in the fare box. I told him it was $1.25....At that point he took his quart bottle of punch and poured it into coin portion of fare box.