Jokes

When riding the bus, try not to laugh while listening to voicemails on your cell phone or some weirdo might get as close to you as possible and ask, "You listening to jokes on there?".

Baby Talk

Tonight it was 38 degrees as I waited for the bus.  I was kind of doing a little dance as it pulled up to keep warm and as I entered I saw the bus driver was a  friendly old woman with a warm smile on her face.  “You look cold, honey!” she said in a grandmotherly voice that made me feel like I was nine again.  “I am!” I said in a sickly sweet child-like voice.  “Well sit down and get cozy!” she cooed.  I snuggled into my seat like a child with its blanket.

I was the only person on the bus so far.  Usually we pick up a couple more people before my stop but tonight it was just me and my favorite new bus driver.  She called out my stop, I rang the bell and she says, “Are you going to the Convention Center?”  I tell her yes and she says she will drop me off there so I don’t have to cross the street. “Yay!’ I shout.

“Thank you!”  I say still using baby talk as I exit.  “You’re welcome sweetie,”  she says.

It took me a few seconds after she pulled away to realize what a tool I had been.  It was like I was under that Grandma’s spell!  But it was my favorite bus ride in a long time.

I'm no help.

Today a drunk, homeless man sat in the seat behind an old man.  He repeatedly leaned over to him and muttered, "How old are you?  You 80?  You 80 yet?  How old are you?" to which he got no reply.  I was watching him a second too long because we made eye contact. His eyes narrowed and he glared at me and repeated, "You're no help...you're no fucking help..." until he exited the bus at the next stop.

The Puker

Last night I was standing at Third and Pine waiting for the bus when I turned and saw a man standing next to me waiting to cross the street.  He was standing completely erect and tall when out of nowhere, big chunks of puke fell out of his mouth and down to the concrete.  "Oh God!" I heard myself say as he stumbled down the street and into the night.

TMI

This blog has really gotten people to open up to me about their own bus experiences, but so far the most disturbing story came from my friend John Scharnberg, who  last night informed me of the reason he will never ride the bus again.  Apparently, he would ride the bus to school when he was 8 years old.  The same woman (who he described as "special, in the retarded way") would ride the bus with him every day, and each day she would tell him how good he looked.  Until one day, she got off the bus at the same stop as him,  put her tongue in his mouth and "wiggled it around".  There was more to the story, but at this point I was totally grossed out and walked away.  Also, he was taking a really long time to tell it.

Seattle Metro Citizen's Watch

Another update from my friend Lindsey: the men on her morning bus route that make her stand at 8 months pregnant did not offer their seats to a blind man on the bus yesterday.  This is an outrage!  I don't know what's happening on that #15, but I think it's time for some sort of Citizen's Patrol.  I will go under, deep under cover and crack this thing wide open, hopefully backed by a group I want to start called the SMCW (Seattle Metro Citizen's Watch).  They will wear intimidating outfits and keep peace and order on the bus.

But honestly, I probably won't get around to that anytime soon,  so  please be courteous to handicapped people, pregnant women and of course the sometimes acrimonious, but always seat-worthy elderly.

Also, if you think you are fooling anyone by pretending you are deeply enthralled in what you are doing on your cell phone and don't notice these people needing seats, think again.  I hope next time you don't move for a blind man he knocks your phone out of your hands with his cane and breaks it.

Real Stories of Metro Drivers

6/19/06 4:50 p.m. #358:

Upon reaching the stop, passenger was paying fare. I said, "Thanks, have a good one." Passenger became very angry, yelling, "What the fuck are you telling me to 'have a good one' for? You don't even know me, motherfucker!" I turned away and ignored abuse to avoid escalating the situation. Passenger said, "I'll kick your ass if you say shit to me" as he exited the bus.

2/7/07 1:40 p.m. #48:

Pulled into zone at 15 & 85 NW. A man put the bike rack down, climbed on, held on to windshield wiper, screaming, "Let's go bitch." Then he tried to crawl through driver window, grabbing my arm. He then got back on bike rack insisting on riding there. I called for help.

 

10/7/06 4:47 p.m. #140:

Began growling as he entered bus at [Burien Transit Center] and deposited large handful of leaves. Continued growling and tearing up schedules (one by one) in rear of bus.

2/18/07 11:28 a.m. #120:

One male got on and put a quarter in the fare box. I told him it was $1.25....At that point he took his quart bottle of punch and poured it into coin portion of fare box.

One More Night

Today was quite a ride!  Although I could have walked, I opted to wait for the bus with my good friend Israel, who after three or four cocktails was ever too eager to share with me his prepared karaoke acts to Phil Collins's greatest hits.  After patiently waiting through One More Night, She's An Easy Lover and some other song I finally boarded the bus only to have my least favorite driver greet me.  It may be because he has the voice of a little girl, but I think it's mostly because he's so dramatic.  After trying to kick us off the bus three times because of ambulances blocking 3rd avenue ("Again folks if you want to get off the bus now's the time!") he then went off the lines and we had to sit and wait for a push while scores of other buses passed us by. After 15 minutes, we finally get back on route and our dramatic driver needs to remind us of his hard work.  "Thanks to me and a lot of hard work we are back on track folks, I just need a towel to wipe the sweat from my brow!". 

Gross.

Bloody Transfers

After revealing my disgust for people eating greasy fried chicken on the bus, my friend Ismael suggested I give the offender a transfer as a makeshift napkin to wipe their oily fingers on.  It couldn't help but remind me of the time that I was running in the rain - as fast as my little feet could take me - to make the light, cross the street and get my bus.  The second I step/ran from the sidewalk into the street I slid on my heels as if on a banana peel, both of my feet flew in the air and I landed on my back. My head hit the concrete with a giant thud and I looked up to see a woman in her car mouth the words, "Oh...my...God.". 

Still seeing stars I heard a homeless guy a block away shout, "Hey, are you okay!".  I shook my head and stood up, determined to catch my bus.  As I boarded, I looked down and noticed both my wrists were bleeding.  I had no band aids, so when the driver asked if I wanted a transfer I meekly asked for two and spent the rest of the ride with bus transfers covering my bloody wrists. 

I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, I would've made fun of me if I saw me on the bus.

Eating

I know, nobody made me in charge on the bus, but that doesn't mean I can't voice my opinion on what food I feel is appropriate to consume while riding. If you are really hungry and just can't wait, my advice would be to indulge in foods that are a) Not Crunchy and b) Non Fragrant.  For example, apples and potato chips are no good (the noise is disturbing to other passengers) .  Also on the 'no' list are fried chicken, MacDonald's and other fast foods.  Obviously, seafood is out of the question.

Why don't you have a seat on a sunny park bench and enjoy your Double Down so we can all ride the bus without getting nauseous.

Leaving Early/Arriving Late Rant

Lately I've had a major problem with buses leaving early.  And even though my friend Laura constantly tells me to report them I don't, partly because I don't think it will make a difference and also because I have never gotten through to a human being, ever, when I have tried to call that number (Laura claims she gets someone every time and man do the drivers get in trouble for leaving early!).  To me is feels as productive as calling the lost and found at Yellow Cab. 

But my biggest problem is that consistently, when one bus is early the next one is ten minutes late.  It's winter time.  It's cold and allows far too much time for the freaks at the bus stop to try and get to know me ("Excuse me, but are you from like, Sweden descent?").  I don't need some strange little man with coke-bottle glasses following me around asking which bus I missed and suggesting alternative routes.

Just be on time please!

Seats

A friend of mine told me he hates the bus because people always make you feel bad when you just want to sit down.  All of the single seats get taken, and then people act as if you are invading their space when you have to double up.  It's not like I'm trying to sit at your same table in a restaurant.  It is for this reason that today I kept moving past the old woman that had her Bartell's bag on the open seat and sat down next to a normal-looking guy busy playing on his cell phone.  My intuition was correct because as soon as a woman wanted to sit down on the blocked seat, the old woman gave a heavy sigh and forcefully moved her bag to her lap.  At the same time an ambulance was passing by and the crazy old bat dropped her bag on the floor and covered both ears with her fuzzy blue gloves.

Elderly/Handicapped Seating

Today on facebook my friend Lindsey who is 8 months pregnant posted the following while riding the 15:

"All men under the age of 40 sitting in the 6 seats reserved for the elderly and persons with a disability...".

This really grinds my gears.  Although it does get annoying having to move for the elderly all the time.

Metro Fashion

Running low on cash but still want to keep up with your stylish reputation?  Tired of wasting compostable goods and want to make the most out of your garbage?  Well for a hot look just take a piece of Saran Wrap, (you don't even have to buy it, just save the wrap from the sandwich you bough at lunch) wrap it around your head once and create a sloppy bow. Now go get on the bus, weirdo.

Dr. Richard Kimble

Hot tipper Chavez had an exciting bus experience on the #12 today,  right out of the movies:

 "On bus and man got on from hospital - in his gown with IV still intact", she excitedly texts me. "Seriously no one talked to him...we all acted normal in fear, think he was drunk!".

I like to imagine he is a man wrongly accused of a heinous crime and running from the law, 'The Fugitive' style.

Anyway, Chavez would have liked to snap a picture for us, but said she was too grossed out by the bloody mess...so I have supplied my own photo.

Bus Fare Inflation and More Bad Acting

Bus fare went up by .25 cents after New Year's Day.  Tonight I forgot and had to do the bad acting where I searched through all of my pockets and my wallet for a quarter I knew I didn't have.  During the middle of my "acting" the driver said, "I ain't going to kick you off the bus!".  Why don't I ever follow my own advice?

Ah Yes, The Ol' "Must Be Here Somewhere!"

I hate to tell you this Sir, but your acting is awful.  Instead of reaching in each pocket four or five times and trying your best to appear bewildered, just admit you don't have the fare. It's 20 degrees out, I'm sure she will let you ride.

Eye Contact

If you see someone talking to themselves and are sure they are not wearing a blue tooth, refrain from making eye contact. They might start acting crazy, call you the "N" word and tell you they are going to stab you.